Fifty and Change
50 years on this planet. That’s something. Fifty feels good—peaceful and grounded. Then again, I spent nearly the entirety of my 49th year living in a motorhome with my wonderful wife, traveling to the most beautiful places in this country, breathing in the freshest of air, hiking to our hearts’ content, reading voraciously, and living primarily outdoors. I feel like I glided into fifty and that it met me with the warmest of embraces.
When I left my job and when we left our home, I know there were some, maybe many, who thought we were out of our minds and no doubt wondered if I was having a midlife crisis. I think it was more like a midlife necessity. After all, who walks away in our work, work, work, go get ‘em, achieve, find success, earn, earn, earn American culture? Some. Us. But not many and certainly not nearly enough.
In my final few weeks at Burke’s, Gale Mosheim, beloved second grade teacher who was retiring after a forty year career at the school, stopped me one day to share her thoughts on my departure. Gale called me wise and courageous. That was huge for me, to have a woman I’d long admired give me that kind of encouragement and support. Gale thought I was so smart to take a year off to spend with Alanna to explore and see the country. She was experiencing health problems at that time, and she said, “You know, Lisa, you just never know. We just assume that we’ll get to retire and do all the things that we want to do, but you just never know.” Those words inspired with me throughout the summer and fall and into the early part of winter. In a way, having Gale endorse my crazy adventure made it all all okay and buoyed my spirit. When Gale died in January, I realized just how prophetic her words to me were that spring day, and that’s when I really knew we’d made the best decision of our lives. It was never a midlife crisis. It was always a midlife necessity. Gale told me so.
So fifty feels good, really good. I feel rooted in my life, spiritually and emotionally, and I feel rooted in my relationship. I remember those days, especially in my teens and twenties, when I was always seeking and looking outward. I was trying to find things to distract me, take me out of myself, allow me to be someone else. I just struggled with me. What a gift, to no longer have that struggle. I get to be me and know that life is good and just the way it’s supposed to be. I love me and my life at fifty, and I’m grateful that I now know to look inward—that any seeking today is about nurturing and nourishing what’s already inside of me.
Alanna and I both wondered from the start where we would be for my big birthday. Since we travel with no plan, we knew it could be just about anywhere, all contingent on weather and wildfires. As we headed into Utah three weeks or so ago, it seemed certain that our celebration would take place somewhere in the southern part of the state. Turns out, we made it to our hands-down favorite National Park in Utah—Capitol Reef! I could not have asked for a more gorgeous or peaceful place to celebrate fifty.
But wait, the storyline gets better. I was chatting with my friend Anne a few weeks back and mentioned that my birthday was coming up and the next thing you know, she’d rounded up two of my other besties, purchased plane tickets, rented a car and just like that, they rolled into camp on May 7, just in time for a scrumptious Alanna dinner. Around the campfire that night, we laughed and caught up and it felt like we’d never left them. On the 8th, we went for a long and lovely hike, gorged on chips and salsa, went for a drive, then had my birthday dinner—green chile cheeseburgers! Cake’s a little hard to come by out here, so we celebrated with amazing locally made pies, courtesy of the park store. They sang happy birthday, we wore silly hats and took lots of pictures. Paula blew up a pic of my face and put it on little sticks and Tricia had commemorative t-shirts made. On the actual day, May 9, we had brunch and talked and teared up and laughed and took more pictures. When they left, I really cried. The hardest part of leaving SF was leaving our people. To have these amazing women show up for me—leave their families and responsibilities and fly to Utah to celebrate with us, well, it’s the best birthday I’ve ever had. What a way to turn fifty, full of love and friendship, grounded in me and my people. And, I got to wake up on my birthday morning next to my number one person, Alanna, whose warmth and generous spirit and abundant love over the last twelve years have helped make me the woman I am at fifty.
No one luckier on this planet than me. Gale was right—it was a wise and courageous decision, and the best gift I could have given myself, this midlife necessity.
